Plaque

Today was my Mother's Plaque Ceremony. She was a NYC Probation Officer for 23 years. On my first day of kindergarten she started her first day of work. She put me in a school that was literally 2 streets away from her job, she could see the school out the window. My Mom was that kind of mother, always kept us near.

They retired her badge, and had it mounted on a plaque to honor her. She is one of the first probation officers to get her badge retired and not have died in the line of duty. It is a complete honor. But I cant shake the feeling that its like reliving her death over and over; its been almost 3 months. I didn't attend, neither did my father. I know it might sound callous and rude but I am just beginning to heal. I have spent the last two month pretending she hadn't died. I am not strong enough to go back there yet. I need to get in a good space first for myself.

I have just in the past week stop drinking every. single. day. or drinking until I literally pass-out or throw up when I go out. Its like running from emotions, Always needing to go out and do something to occupy your mind. I have never brunched, drank, ate, went out as much as I have these last few months...maybe since college. I need to find me again. I cant numb the pain the way I have been, nothing goo will come from it at all except a pattern.

I want her to be proud not scared for me.