In the next few days and the next couple weeks it was all business. I woke up in the mornings and took a shower talked to my brothers and my Dad. In those moments I knew the importance of family. Not just the ones you are born into but the ones you create. My brother's girlfriend Laura was there for the whole 2 weeks of hell. She called out of work and went with us each and every place and was there to comfort my brother. She was also the person who found my mother when she fell in the bathroom and the person who rode with her in the ambulance. For that I will forever be grateful to her.
My younger brother his best friend Jenielle was there from day 1. We took my friends back down to the city and picked up clothes from my brothers apartment and picked up Jenielle. She also moved in for the next two weeks. Going back and forth between school and our house.
Those women provided a constant comfort to not only my brothers but to my family (my Dad and myself). It also highlighted the missing portions of my life. My Mom and I were kind of two peas in a pod, I was either texting her, calling her, or talking about her. I lived at home and never even took dating serious. I didn't know if I wanted to get married or have children but what I did know was I wanted to be with my Mom. The weekend before she died we went to BJ's and ate ice cream in the rain after we discovered we could order it threw the Dunkin Donuts drive-thru. She was everything to me. Now that she was gone I felt like I had nothing. Everyone else had built up in other parts of their life but I had only concentrated on one real area. With that area and support gone I was lost.
But the lost feeling.... well I wasn't able to really explore it as I now was the person who made all the decisions. Everything having to go threw me. Having to do things you never thought you would have to... picking out a casket, the lining, the plot for her to be buried, the cemetery, the church, the picture for her prayer cards, what she was going to wear. The world was so surreal, I was on auto pilot. Trying to be strong for my Dad who was lost. After almost 28 years since they met and 25 since they married he didn't know what to do. My Dad is 51 years old. He has spent over half his life with my Mom and now the thought of not is consuming him.
Its hard to be around him. My Nana wants to be the head of the ship making the decisions and being apart and now every family member was my Mother favorite. It was almost comedy. I know my Mom and as amazing as she was.... everyone wasn't her favorite.
But I guess these are the things you find interesting in times like this.
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
The Day
The day my life changed started like a normal day.
My mom had been a little loopy the last few days but we chalked it up to her fibromyalgia medications. I got up and got ready for work, taking one of the last rides with my neighbor and friend before he moved to Florida to start a new life. I got in the car and headed down to the city to get on the train. We talked we laughed and right as I was about to get out of the car my phone rang. As someone whose phone rarely rings with a phone call especially from my brother at 6:45 AM I quickly picked it up. He told me that my mother had fallen; because of how loopy she had been I wasn't completely alarmed. He said he called the ambulance and that he was waiting for them to get there. I told him I was getting on the train to work and to keep me posted. I got on the train worried but not overly concerned. I got to work turned on my computer and my phone rang again. It was my brother telling me that my mothers heart stopped in the ambulance. I was numb. I put on a new out of office, I sent and email to my bosses to let them know I was leaving for the day and ran to grand central. I called my best friend who assured me everything would be okay, but the knot in my stomach would not be tricked. I was standing at the machines to buy a ticket to take the first train back home when my phone rang again. My brothers voice breaking in sadness on the line as he told me "Mom died". All I could do was to scream no. Breaking down and falling on to the floor in the middle of Grand Central people rushing around me but my world had stopped. People tried to help to comfort to see what was wrong, but all I could do was scream. I felt like I was falling into a black hole. My best friend, my teammate, gone. I wanted to die, It was the first time in my life I ever wanted to die, that I ever prayed to die.
I was taken to the waiting room in Grand Central by the police and cried on a woman's shoulder as my best friend was called. Linda works in Queens but told the officer that she was on her way. I cried for over an hour. My Co-worker turned friend Shami called so many times that I had to pick up and when I told her what happened; her take charge personality she told me she was on her way. She sat with me while the shock started to come in. Then my Linda came and then my Mari came, college friends turned family. They rode the train with me, they went home with me. They were there when my dad broke the news to my youngest brother. But the whole day I operated in shock.
When night fell, so did the tears. I couldn't sleep and my friend Sal brought me natural sleep aid pills that I would take for the next month to be able to get a decent nights sleep.
As I closed my eyes that night I only could think to myself..."now what"?
Day 1
My mom had been a little loopy the last few days but we chalked it up to her fibromyalgia medications. I got up and got ready for work, taking one of the last rides with my neighbor and friend before he moved to Florida to start a new life. I got in the car and headed down to the city to get on the train. We talked we laughed and right as I was about to get out of the car my phone rang. As someone whose phone rarely rings with a phone call especially from my brother at 6:45 AM I quickly picked it up. He told me that my mother had fallen; because of how loopy she had been I wasn't completely alarmed. He said he called the ambulance and that he was waiting for them to get there. I told him I was getting on the train to work and to keep me posted. I got on the train worried but not overly concerned. I got to work turned on my computer and my phone rang again. It was my brother telling me that my mothers heart stopped in the ambulance. I was numb. I put on a new out of office, I sent and email to my bosses to let them know I was leaving for the day and ran to grand central. I called my best friend who assured me everything would be okay, but the knot in my stomach would not be tricked. I was standing at the machines to buy a ticket to take the first train back home when my phone rang again. My brothers voice breaking in sadness on the line as he told me "Mom died". All I could do was to scream no. Breaking down and falling on to the floor in the middle of Grand Central people rushing around me but my world had stopped. People tried to help to comfort to see what was wrong, but all I could do was scream. I felt like I was falling into a black hole. My best friend, my teammate, gone. I wanted to die, It was the first time in my life I ever wanted to die, that I ever prayed to die.
I was taken to the waiting room in Grand Central by the police and cried on a woman's shoulder as my best friend was called. Linda works in Queens but told the officer that she was on her way. I cried for over an hour. My Co-worker turned friend Shami called so many times that I had to pick up and when I told her what happened; her take charge personality she told me she was on her way. She sat with me while the shock started to come in. Then my Linda came and then my Mari came, college friends turned family. They rode the train with me, they went home with me. They were there when my dad broke the news to my youngest brother. But the whole day I operated in shock.
When night fell, so did the tears. I couldn't sleep and my friend Sal brought me natural sleep aid pills that I would take for the next month to be able to get a decent nights sleep.
As I closed my eyes that night I only could think to myself..."now what"?
Day 1
Monday, December 1, 2014
Hello
On September 17th 2014 I lost my mother; one month after her 54th birthday.
She was my rock and my angel, in her absence I became the rock for so many others.
Being the rock without a rock was overwhelming.
Turning into a mother to an entire family was exhausting and numbing all at the same time.
Watching your father become helpless, your brothers introverted, your family asking your opinion on everything... It makes you hide your feelings.
Tears fell but I wasn't dealing. I was there for everyone, but who was there for me?
You have friends and family but no one that you can constantly be sad to, people want you to move on.
So I didn't cry unless I had to , and when I have to cry I take a shower.
Today I am starting a blog to heal to deal and to help.
This is my story.
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