Thursday, December 11, 2014

Filling up

"Stress makes you believe that everything has to happen right now. 
Faith reassures you that everything happens in God's time."

Since my Mother's passing there hasn't been one day that I haven't felt hot tears run down my face. I have never been much of a crier but I can’t tell you how much that has changed now. I am getting better with time.

  I am learning to let myself cry. I use to love to be alone but for 2 months after my Mother died you couldn't pay me to be alone. I had someone around me 24/7; most of the times even in my sleep. For the past 2 weekends I spent substantial time alone. During the week at night I spend a couple hours to myself. I find myself finding myself again.

 I was standing in darkness in a room filling with water. At first I lay on the ground and watched as the room filled and flooded with water. I did not attempt to help myself, I didn't attempt to stand or find a way out. I am not out now but there is a window that is there now, and it is open. The room is now only halfway full and I can breathe and I can see again. I think you need to go through the darkness with no rush to the light. Allowing yourself to fall, allowing yourself to mess up to feel the bottom because then you will never fear it. Because of all I have lost I do not fear loss, I do not fear the bottom. I know what empty feels like but yet I am here. Little by little I am feeling again. My heartbeat is returning. Little by little it gets louder.

 But I do not rush it. I bask in every ounce over empty. I have faith I will one day return to full, that one day the door of the room will open and I will be whole or as whole as I can be.

There will always be something missing but one day it will just be a hole in my heart and not my whole heart.

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