Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Testing Testing

One of my best friends is having a birthday party on the 20th of this month. I want to attend but I wonder if there has been enough quiet time? I wonder if I am strong enough to fight the sadness in a room full of people celebrating. I go in and out of happiness these days and I don't know if I won't want to numb. You cant be sad at a birthday. *eye roll*

I don't want to get drunk ... nothing is worse than a sad drunk. Ugh spare me. Maybe a classy tipsy? It's also the week before Christmas and I plan on cooking... 0__0 pause for reaction. I cook I do and I am pretty good at it, but I am attempting baked mac and cheese, my Mother’s recipe. I am nervous and scared but determined. I want it to kind of feel like it used to for my family.

Maybe I will buy her dinner and not chance this encounter of the drunken kind. I don't want to be under a table or anything. It isn't me.  But it’s beyond hard to be out with people who are the way you use to be… carefree, normal. You feel like that for a while and then you remember, your mind goes to that dark place and your smile fades. People ask you what you are thinking about as if there was anything else that crossed your mind in that way....

Alcohol numbs that pain and in the last 3 months I always need someone to talk to, someone to lean on, something to drink, some place to hide... someone to understand me. Now I am getting back to just needing me.

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