One
of my best friends is having a birthday party on the 20th of this month. I want
to attend but I wonder if there has been enough quiet time? I wonder if I am
strong enough to fight the sadness in a room full of people celebrating. I go
in and out of happiness these days and I don't know if I won't want to numb.
You cant be sad at a birthday. *eye roll*
I
don't want to get drunk ... nothing is worse than a sad drunk. Ugh spare me.
Maybe a classy tipsy? It's also the week before Christmas and I plan on
cooking... 0__0 pause for reaction. I cook I do and I am pretty good at it, but
I am attempting baked mac and cheese, my Mother’s recipe. I am nervous and
scared but determined. I want it to kind of feel like it used to for my family.
Maybe
I will buy her dinner and not chance this encounter of the drunken kind. I
don't want to be under a table or anything. It isn't me. But it’s beyond hard to be out with people
who are the way you use to be… carefree, normal. You feel like that for a while
and then you remember, your mind goes to that dark place and your smile fades.
People ask you what you are thinking about as if there was anything else that
crossed your mind in that way....
Alcohol
numbs that pain and in the last 3 months I always need someone to talk to,
someone to lean on, something to drink, some place to hide... someone to
understand me. Now I am getting back to just needing me.
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